Take Heart

Spiritual Warfare Through People

The spiritual warfare we experienced in our relationship took more forms than purely spiritual ones. Sometimes, it came in the form of other humans and the temptations and fears they gave into. For example, not everyone who knew I was going for a GED was pleased about it. They were afraid I would be stigmatized for getting it as opposed to pursuing other options, but I wasn’t concerned about that. What other’s saw as a potential stumbling block, I knew God was going to use as a launching pad to get me where He wanted me to go. Still, I had to face their disapproval and doubts that things would work out well for me. Leo faced opposition from people as well. People seemed to pop out of the woodwork, skeptical of the direction we were taking our lives and how we were going about it. With resistance in the spiritual, human, and emotional levels (and even in practical matters), our trust in God was severely tested. Many times, it was strained. However, demons or humans, when God wants you to get somewhere, He provides the means and the grace to get there.

Searching for Work and Studying

In the year and a half that we dated and were engaged, besides dealing with generational spirits and working on our relationship, Leo and I had a lot of practical things to tackle. Mainly, new work for Leo, and the GED and job for me. Two weeks into dating, Leo was already looking for more stable work. After a few months, he started substitute teaching part-time while trying to figure out what career he wanted to pursue. The more he taught, the more he came to realize that he had a deep desire to continue teaching and to put his masters in American History to good use. Thinking he would work in public schools, he knew that meant he had to get a long-term, state teaching license. He applied for a career switcher program but was originally denied admission due to a small mistake in his paperwork. This was a big blow to him since he felt increasingly anxious about how he would provide the more our relationship progressed. He ended up having to wait until the next semester to apply again. The second time around, he got in. At the same time as studying and taking tests, he also continued working as a substitute teacher, applying for other jobs, and helping me make wedding preparations. While he did that, I worked on studying for my GED and applying for part time jobs.

The GED

As I tried to push through studying (which was hard for me as I wasn’t used to keeping a strict routine), the spiritual attacks as I did so were intense. This added another layer of stress and dismay to an already frustrating situation. Demons would come into my room, and I could feel their hatred for me. Other times, the anxiety or fatigue that would come over me made it almost impossible to study. There were many times when the reluctance I felt at studying was so severe, I could barely stay in the chair at my desk. Just sitting there was a battle. I often had to stop and pray for help.

It was slow going. I studied for months – inching forward little by little. Finally, I felt something extremely powerful enter my room when I was studying one day. It was different than anything else I’d felt before. I braced myself, not knowing what it was. It was so much more powerful than me that just its presence felt like a weight pushing down on me. I was frightened. I asked God what it was. He replied that it was my guardian angel. He had allowed me to feel some of its power in order to assure me that I was well protected, and I need not fear any demons that may come to bother me. I can’t tell you the immense relief I felt, and my gratitude towards God and my guardian angel. My Mom had named me “Angelique” after the guardian angels, so I have always had a love for them, but that love increased after that day. I also got a whole new respect for Mary and her fiat to God when St. Gabriel came to her at the Annunciation. I couldn’t see the angel like she could, I could only sense it was there, and it still scared the heck out of me. Mary’s yes in that situation became even more awe-inspiring to me after that instance.

Although the attacks while studying continued, I tried to remember to call on my guardian angel. Over time, I made it through the first three GED tests (The GED is comprised of four tests.) To my surprise, despite my battle-weariness, I didn’t just pass, but I scored exceptionally high with a college level + credits score (Some colleges will award you credits upon acceptance with a high, college level score.) Studying had been agonizing. To pass, let alone get a good score, I knew was all due to God’s mercy and Mary’s help, because I certainly didn’t feel like I had made much progress. My spirits were lifted, and I prepared for the last test.

The last test proved to be its own battle. I went to a testing center I had been at before and had not had any problems at. However, this time around, almost everything that could possibly go wrong seemed to happen. I had technical issues with my test (and it’s a timed test), a man was cursing during the test, another person kept going distractedly in and out of the room, the noise blocking headphones I was given didn’t work – you name it. Oh yeah, and the test was on my weakest subject: math. It seemed like the only things not happening during the test were someone robbing the place or the building catching on fire. Demons threw a fit, and they pulled any strings they could. I got hit with anxiety like I’ve never experienced before. I almost had a panic attack, which was not usual for me. I knew I needed to pass that last test to move on to the next stage of my life, and the pressure of passing weighed on me. If I didn’t pass, I would have weeks, if not months of more studying, before I’d be ready to try again, and my nerves were almost shot at this point from fighting off spiritual attacks month after month.

I read the questions repeatedly without registering anything I was reading. I remember stopping, closing my eyes, and just breathing for a bit, frozen by the panic. I asked God for the strength to at least try my best to finish the test, even if I didn’t pass. I was strongly tempted to just leave (and try to reschedule) because I had lost so much time on my test between everything happening and my own panic. Somehow, I re-focused a little bit, and dragged myself through to answer the questions I knew best, and to give my best guesses for the ones I wasn’t sure about. The test ended, and I went back to my car to wait for the email with my result. By God’s grace, I had somehow done it. This test result was simply a passing score, not a college level one, but that didn’t matter. I had passed. I finally got my GED.

Accepting the Good

Sadly, I was elated at my victory only a moment before other worries about the future and the next steps I’d have to take hit me. I felt like all the work I’d put in for the GED was only a small, insignificant drop in the ocean of challenges awaiting me. How would I ever get through them if such a small part of my challenges were already so hard? Instead of feeling better and rejoicing after the last test, I felt worse than ever. I met up with Leo afterwards, and he was surprised at how deflated I was. He reminded me about what a huge victory it was, and that I shouldn’t downplay it. God had given the grace for it to happen, but if I hadn’t cooperated with that grace, I still wouldn’t have passed. It was something worth celebrating, both for God’s part in it, and for my answering Him. He told me that letting the victory sink in was the best way to praise God in that moment. I knew Leo was right, so I consciously chose to try to focus on the good that had been done and not the challenges ahead. I didn’t feel entirely excited, but I was thankful, and I told God that I was grateful no matter how I currently felt, recognizing that my feelings weren’t reflecting my reality at that moment.

Some of my discouragement was caused, I’m sure, by my own human flaws and wounds, but some of it can be another form of spiritual warfare as well. Something that I’ve learned over time is that demons will try to steal your victories. If they can’t stop them from happening, they will do what they can to stop you from enjoying them and giving praise to God through your enjoyment. If you’ve ever gone to confession, only to face a strong temptation almost directly afterwards, you’ll have a sense of this. The sudden temptation can cause discouragement since you were just feeling a semblance of peace, but now feel like it was all for nothing since you still feel weak and tempted. Demons want you discouraged and without heart. People without heart don’t get in their way, but people with heart do, because those people don’t push God out of their hearts; rather, they cling to Him. When God is in our hearts, demons are much more restricted.

Now, when I am discouraged, I say with Saint Paul: “For I am the least of the apostles, not fit to be called an apostle…But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me has not been ineffective.” (1 Cor 15:9-10) That last line is key. Believe God is transforming you with His grace, and know that no matter how you feel, if you are trying to follow God (or even only have the desire to try to follow God), His grace to you is not ineffective. That is what I have learned.

New Jobs

Leo and I took a quick celebratory breath before diving back in to our responsibilities. Time went by, and as our wedding date got closer, still neither of us had full time work yet, and we didn’t know where we were going to live after the wedding. We prayed multiple times to ask God if we should postpone the wedding. We were barely four months out now, and many pieces in the puzzle were still missing to enable us to start a life together. God’s reply was always the same: Trust Me. Keep moving forward. Three months before we got married, I got my first full time job in Catholic education. I hadn’t been to a formal interview before, and I was nervous. However, not long into the interview, while the woman was giving me a tour of where I might work, she suddenly turned to me and said, “I don’t know why, but I just get this strong feeling from the Holy Spirit that I’m supposed to hire you. Do you want to work here? If so, you’ve got the job!” I almost couldn’t believe it. I gratefully accepted it.

Leo had started his career switcher program – an intensive program that essentially crammed what most people get from an education degree in 2 years into less than one. It was a better and more cost-efficient option than going for a second master’s degree, but it wasn’t a walk in the park. He had to work hard to keep up with the rigor of the program. He studied, took tests, worked, applied for other jobs, and searched for a suitable place for us to live. Two months before our wedding date, he was offered a full-time position as a government contractor specializing in research. One month before we got married, we finally found a place to live. We could have cried for joy as we watched God’s promise be fulfilled right before our eyes. Everything was falling into place, just as God had said. (Although I made it a point to tell God He had cut things rather close! I’m sure He laughed.)

Marriage

Our wedding date came in the middle of the COVID pandemic. Not long before, the COVID restrictions, which only allowed ten people to be present at marriage ceremonies, were lifted. This was a great gift as we were able to invite all of our close family and friends, even if they had to be spaced out in the church. Despite travel restrictions, most of them were able to come, and, for us, it was the perfect wedding. It was extra special because many of the people there had helped us in putting everything together and making it to that point. Below are just a few examples of their generosity.

The Engagement Ring & Wedding Rings: Before we got engaged, a family member had given Leo their engagement ring, knowing that he couldn’t afford a ring for me at the time. Mary had told me that Leo would be proposing with a ring during my family’s beach vacation (which Leo had been invited to), but like when she had told me I would be meeting my future husband, I was afraid it was just wishful thinking on my part. I knew he didn’t have money for a ring. (Mary then said he would be given one from someone.) On top of that, a hurricane looked like it would cancel our beach plans. I thought, “A proposal during vacation (if there is a vacation), and with a ring that someone gave him? Unlikely.” (But I hoped for it anyway.) We did make our vacation, albeit two days later than expected because of flooding. We didn’t know, up until the night before we left, if water levels would drop enough for us to travel. On the day that we originally would have left for vacation, Leo took me to a nearby park, and he got down on one knee and presented me with a ring. It is probably one of the few moments in our relationship that I was surprised by (that fact alone made Leo consider it a great accomplishment.) Mary had been right – Leo did propose on vacation time (with a ring!) Without the hurricane, we would have been at the beach that day, but we had technically begun our vacation time regardless. I was the one who mistakenly took it literally that it would be on location by the ocean. (And doubted somewhat that it would happen at all – Don’t doubt Mary!) When it came to the wedding rings, we weren’t quite sure what we were going to do with them either. We could buy them, but it would take a significant chunk of money that we really needed elsewhere. Some different family members surprised us by offering to buy our wedding rings as their gift to us.

Donated Talents: My mom knew we didn’t have much starting out, but she wanted to help make our wedding lovely, even if it was simple. One way she did that was by fashioning beautiful flower wreaths for the bridesmaids out of silk flowers and 18” golden rings.

My aunt donated her talent of organizing and creativity by making and printing out the wedding programs. A woman at our parish, who we found out happened to be a third order Dominican like Leo, owned a photography business, and she gave us a discount so we could afford to have professional pictures taken at our wedding. The priest preparing us for marriage was transferred halfway through the preparation, but he still agreed to see us through it, and he drove over an hour away to come and say our wedding mass for us.

The generosity of our community was overwhelming. After being almost constantly overwhelmed by stress, exhaustion, and spiritual warfare, being overwhelmed with gratitude was a good kind of overwhelming.

Thus, after an engagement of 1 ½ years, and an excruciating test of endurance, we were married on the feast of the Immaculate Conception, and the next part of our journey began.